1. The not-so-festive
drivers.
You know who they are; they come out of the woodwork at the
start of December to clutter and wreak havoc on the roads. Yes, that’s them, the ones who drive slower
than I can crawl backwards, whose indicators have disappeared into Narnia, and
randomly cut across lanes with utter oblivion to anyone else … and, oh yes,
those who drive the wrong way up one way streets. And don’t even get me started on the
blood-boiling issue of parking – the lack of, the cost of and those people of
pure evil who load up their shopping into their car before getting in and … just
sitting there!!! What the hell is with
that?? You’ve done your shopping, GO
HOME!
2. Sales ‘Assistants’.
Yep, they’re either there in their millions, in your face
every six seconds or – when you actually DO want assistance, they are nowhere
to be found. Useless, really, just
useless. Not worth any more words.
3. The bank balance
plummet.
Why is it that we are forced to return again and again and
again to the ATM (where there is always a ridiculous queue of people who have
apparently never before seen an ATM in their lives) for more cash to spend on
other people??? Every time I make
another withdrawal I think longingly of France, or a beach house or various other
things I’d much rather be spending my hard-earned cash on. But no, it’s all for the love of others, so
they can get that special present that – if not unappreciated – will no doubt
be lost, forgotten or broken within two weeks anyway. Hmph!
4. Fellow ‘Shoppers’.
The height of heinousness.
They dawdle in front of you, they bump into you, they get in line ahead
of you … I imagine there is some whacked out crazy scientist out there who
creates these ‘shoppers’ to send them out into the world simply to piss me
off. Well, one day, man – I’ll find you,
and you better be ready! Or (solution-oriented
moment – just briefly) perhaps a roster could be organised? Only people whose names start with A can shop
on Dec 1, B on Dec 2 and so on. Better
idea? Perhaps. Oh, and bogans – well bogans spend all year
hanging around downtown … surely they can be banned for the month of
December? Just sayin …
5. Decisions.
Normally I’m a very decisive person (Ahem! Cough, cough …)
Alright, I’m not. But really, asking me
to go out and choose amazing or even mildly appropriate gifts for people at the
end of the working year when my brain is completely made of mush … well, you’re
just asking for crap, alright. All the
good ideas come mid to late January – yep, too late, too bad.
6. Shopping with
kids.
Well, really it just amps up all the other Christmas
shopping grievances, doesn’t it? If they’re
not picking out presents for themselves, they’re disappearing into another
galaxy or getting under your feet – or they keep touching stuff that you
instantly envisage smashing and then proceeding to break a whole lot more stuff
on the way down (further adding to plummeting bank balance when you can’t get
out of the store fast enough and you have to pay for it all. Lose lose situation here – don’t bother.
7. Buying for others.
Why is it, at this time of the year, you see SO much stuff
for yourself? Yes I might take up
snow-skiing, hmm I need some more books (no, don’t have enough already), ooh
new clothes!!!! Really, it’s just plain
cruel. Especially when I finally have
some time and feel like I deserve a little pampering after a busy year ….
8. Christmas Music.
No, there is nothing jolly or uplifting about it. Cheesy carols – no, just no! It’s crap, it’s irritating and repetitive
(hell, they all sound the same to me).
If you want me to be a happy little shopper, can I suggest Pearl Jam –
live would be great, thanks ;)
9. Prams, trolleys
and intrusive store displays of useless crap.
Downtown in December is just no place for prams. At all.
Let alone ones with screaming babies in them – go home! Trolleys should
be delisted – if you can’t carry it, you can’t buy it. Simple as that. And yes, those special displays of especially
festive rubbish that multiply at this time of the year – get rid of them, for
the love of God!!! No, I will not be held responsible for any that might ‘accidentally’
topple over while I am in the vicinity.
(There’s an idea – if we all band together and get the trend happening,
maybe they’ll get the hint?)
10. K-Mart.
Nothing to say – let’s face it, the place needs no words …
Well, that’s it, I limited it to ten. Next year, I’m going to do all my shopping
online, in the month of August … Happy Christmas everyone!!!!
